Kinzman's Speech for the Modern Woodmen of the World Speech Contest

Good Morning (afternoon) ladies and germs! I know, I know, that’s an old joke, but it is actually important for my talk with you today.

Americans are great inventors. I’m not putting down the ancient Egyptians for inventing paper, or the ancient Arabs for discovering the principles of algebra, but let’s face it, in modern times it’s America that has brought about most of the great inventions.

Where would we be today without the invention in 1898 of the semi-automatic shotgun? Or what good would a submarine be without a periscope? That was invented by an American in 1902. What about jellied-gasoline? That’s a useful flammable substance that actually sticks to its victims to help burn them to death.

We invented that in 1943. It’s called napalm. But in addition to warfare (and who can forget the atomic bomb?) we’ve also invented fun things like the corn dog, antiperspirants, and soft ice cream.

It’s true that a lot of inventions are used for non-peaceful purposes, but it’s also true that many are used for life-giving purposes.

The greatest American invention of all time is one of these life-giving inventions. There’s no one in this room that hasn’t used at least one. In fact, you probably have some at home right now. It was invented 90 years ago by Earle Dickson back in 1921.

And the reason he invented it? Well, it was SORELY needed. You’ll understand that joke when I tell you that the greatest American invention of all time is the (drum roll please) BAND-AID.

Earle Dickson was working for Johnson and Johnson, a bandage and first-aid company when he came up with the idea for a bandage with its own adhesive. It’s uses are obvious: cuts, scrapes, and TLC for all of your boo-boos.

It’s a simple concept. It has an absorbent pad that can soak up all sorts of nasty stuff oozing from your body like pus and blood. But here’s the good part: the pad doesn’t stick to the wound! Instead, the adhesive ends hold the pad in place. So the only pain the patient feels is upon ripping the band-aid off of a hairy place on your body. But that’s not important.

What IS important is that band-aids, especially modern ones, are made with extra flexibility: stretchable fabric that moves with you to fit better. Plus, they have greater durability to help the bandage stay in place longer. I know this for two reasons: one, I have worn band aids. And two, I read it on the box in my medicine cabinet. It’s a simply beautiful invention.

Can you imagine life without band-aids? That pesky hangnail would torment you for days. What about having only a mother’s kiss to “make it all better?” No, the band aid is essential to modern life. In a pinch it can substitute for scotch tape, but scotch tape makes a terrible bandage.

Without a doubt, the greatest American invention of all times came from Earle Dickson 90 years ago. The band aid. Even as I say its name I hear patriotic music playing in the distance. We can live without napalm, guns, and periscopes, but not without this medical miracle known as the lowly adhesive bandage.